For those of you who haven’t heard, I am a Brand Ambassador for Cottonelle (see this post to find out why). And being a Brand Ambassador for Cottonelle, I’ve been thinking a lot about hygiene lately, particularly in regards to ass-wiping (not to be confused with ass-kissing). And so, I have decided to bring you the next installment of our Women vs. Men series… this time about bathroom hygiene.
Men and women are very different when it comes to their bathroom habits.
Case and point: did you know they’ve stopped installing sinks in mens’ restrooms? Yeah, it’s true. Apparently they never get used so they figured, why bother? On the flip side, they’ve doubled the allotted sink space for womens’ restrooms. This is so that the women can have additional mirrors to stand in front of and google at themselves after actually washing their hands.
And then of course you have the public restroom issue. Pretty much, when a man’s gotta go, a man’s gotta go. It doesn’t matter if he’s in the mall or in the forest or in a pool. He’s going. Women, on the other hand, refuse to go anywhere other than the safety of their own home. This is mostly because we actually have to sit on the toilet and risk being attacked by the Chla-monster! (That’s Chlamydia monster for you men who get to ‘stand’ on your high horse at the porcelain throne and laugh at our misfortunes).
Of course, I can’t forget to mention the inspection stage of the bathroom process. (No this is not something that occurs only in mens’ restrooms). The inspection stage is when a man takes a dump aka “drops a monster load” or “takes the Browns to the Superbowl” or “audits his ASSets”. Upon completion (or VICTORY!), the man then turns around, makes a few comments to himself about the size of his load, takes a picture and “shexts” it to 12 of his buds, and then commits the record to memory for future comparisons.
For women, the inspection stage never happens because we don’t poop! Men have suspected this for years, but it has never been confirmed until now!
Ok, women DO poop. But if a tree falls in a forest and no one’s around to hear it… Let’s face it, Men. Us women ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS, know when you have taken a poop. How could we not? It smells like different variations of animal secretions mushed into a compact log. Seriously, I think one of these days, someone is going to get smart and use mens’ poop in warfare. Why attack with chemicals and machinery when you can just stink them out?!
But, Men, you could come into the bathroom while we women are pooping and you wouldn’t have the slightest idea. We must just have an “air” about us.
Finally, I scoured the interwebs for
2 minutes hours and hours searching to bring you the most up to date information on the wet wipes vs. toilet paper debate in regards to gender lines. I didn’t find a clear delineation between men vs. women, but what I did find was rather shocking to me. Most of the polls I found in 60 seconds my hours of research showed that using wet wipes is the NORM. I’ll repeat that… MOST PEOPLE USE WET WIPES?!?!? How did I not know about this????
Here. Watch this funny video about people’s reactions to trying wet wipes while I try to think of something else to say.
(Just in case the video doesn’t show up above, click here to view.)
So, since apparently I’ve been living on the non-planet, Pluto, and I didn’t know that the majority of people seem to use wet wipes, for my third and final post I will be giving it a go myself. I’ll just be waiting for the big black man to knock on the back door again before I can post that one.
In the mean time, I would love to hear your thoughts. Are you tp or wipes? Are you willing to try wipes? Do you want to share a pic of your latest dump? You can do any and/or all of that in the comments below!
Thanks and have a shitty day!